1 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:01,679 (host) Hi, I'm Stephen Puddicombe. 2 00:00:01,951 --> 00:00:06,279 This is another episode in CFMWS's podcast series 3 00:00:06,279 --> 00:00:08,028 about Grief and Bereavement. 4 00:00:08,374 --> 00:00:11,159 In this episode, we speak with Captain Krystal Sloan. 5 00:00:11,457 --> 00:00:13,274 She's a Designated Assistant. 6 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:15,669 DAs are assigned to a family 7 00:00:15,669 --> 00:00:18,480 when a service member dies or is very ill. 8 00:00:19,031 --> 00:00:22,630 They are the main point of contact between the military and the family 9 00:00:22,630 --> 00:00:24,824 and is responsible for everything 10 00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:28,258 from advising the family on the availability of benefits, 11 00:00:28,258 --> 00:00:29,717 to services, 12 00:00:29,717 --> 00:00:31,970 to providing that shoulder to lean on. 13 00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:34,900 Captain Sloan says her motivation is simple. 14 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:36,435 She just wants to help. 15 00:00:36,748 --> 00:00:38,505 (Krystal) I'm always on the lookout 16 00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:41,741 for ways that I can improve my knowledge 17 00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:43,255 of how to support members, 18 00:00:43,255 --> 00:00:45,613 especially in really trying circumstances. 19 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:49,336 So when I read about the Designated Assistant course, 20 00:00:49,336 --> 00:00:51,012 I just found it perfect. 21 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,680 Because either I would be called to action 22 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,044 and I would be assisting somebody who is injured 23 00:00:56,044 --> 00:00:58,749 or a member's family who had passed away, 24 00:00:58,749 --> 00:01:02,406 or I would just have this incredible birth of knowledge 25 00:01:02,406 --> 00:01:04,596 of the support resources that we have 26 00:01:04,596 --> 00:01:08,569 for less severe but still important circumstances. 27 00:01:09,669 --> 00:01:12,321 Yeah, I jumped on the training as soon as I could. 28 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,237 (Stephen) How does it work? Like, what do they teach you? 29 00:01:17,237 --> 00:01:20,019 I mean, you're dealing with a subject 30 00:01:20,019 --> 00:01:23,590 that's almost taboo in many people's minds. 31 00:01:23,590 --> 00:01:24,761 What did they teach you? 32 00:01:26,445 --> 00:01:32,106 (Krystal) It was a really interesting mix of the practical knowledge. 33 00:01:32,106 --> 00:01:36,400 So here's where the MFRC can come in and help a family. 34 00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:39,864 Here's where the Transition Center comes in to help families. 35 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:44,191 This is when you need to engage the Wing Orderly Room for Administration. 36 00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:47,501 And then, the kind of more... 37 00:01:48,118 --> 00:01:50,840 almost more important emotional aspect 38 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:55,528 where you're going to be going through something incredibly difficult, 39 00:01:55,528 --> 00:01:57,899 either with a member or with the member's family. 40 00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,377 So you need to be prepared for that 41 00:02:00,377 --> 00:02:03,666 and this is how you need to take care of yourself 42 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:07,641 and be completely honest with yourself as to your own capabilities. 43 00:02:09,787 --> 00:02:13,479 It was this combination of these very hardened facts. 44 00:02:13,479 --> 00:02:14,719 "Hey, this is how it is. 45 00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:16,768 When a member dies, they're entitled.... 46 00:02:16,768 --> 00:02:18,960 Their family is entitled to XYZ." 47 00:02:19,260 --> 00:02:21,251 And also, "By the way, 48 00:02:21,251 --> 00:02:24,934 you're going to be walking through a valley of grief with people 49 00:02:25,924 --> 00:02:27,525 and that comes with its own pitfalls, 50 00:02:27,525 --> 00:02:29,953 and this is how you should take care of yourself with that." 51 00:02:29,953 --> 00:02:32,053 So it was a really interesting course. 52 00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,808 (Stephen) Krystal, you do your course, 53 00:02:35,404 --> 00:02:38,303 roughly two months later, you get that first call. 54 00:02:38,850 --> 00:02:41,238 - (Krystal) Yeah. - (Stephen) What goes through your head? 55 00:02:41,483 --> 00:02:44,221 (Krystal laughing) "Oh!" 56 00:02:44,221 --> 00:02:45,257 "Oh, my God. 57 00:02:45,257 --> 00:02:48,331 I hope I paid attention because this is real." 58 00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,116 It would have been real in any circumstance, 59 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:55,533 but this was a call where a member had very unexpectedly passed away. 60 00:02:55,768 --> 00:02:58,627 And so, we were now going to be supporting his spouse 61 00:02:58,627 --> 00:03:00,001 and his family, 62 00:03:00,450 --> 00:03:03,759 as they kind of traversed 63 00:03:03,759 --> 00:03:06,127 the extensive administration 64 00:03:06,127 --> 00:03:09,762 that comes with releasing a member in this way. 65 00:03:09,762 --> 00:03:11,809 So it was terrifying. 66 00:03:12,675 --> 00:03:16,181 Mildly comforting that I had another DA there with me. 67 00:03:17,508 --> 00:03:19,637 We were going to be helping each other... 68 00:03:20,017 --> 00:03:23,682 And she had just done this for somebody who was very seriously injured, 69 00:03:23,682 --> 00:03:25,360 so she had some experience, 70 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,386 so that was a bit of a comfort. 71 00:03:27,386 --> 00:03:31,186 But it was certainly overwhelming at the time. 72 00:03:31,186 --> 00:03:33,898 And when they said, "Here's the situation, 73 00:03:33,898 --> 00:03:37,420 are you've prepared to embark on this?" 74 00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:38,795 There was no thought, 75 00:03:38,795 --> 00:03:41,000 it was an immediate "Yes, of course, I am." 76 00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:45,173 And then, afterwards, it was like, "Oh gosh! 77 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,065 Okay, this is all hitting me now, where do I even start?" 78 00:03:49,065 --> 00:03:51,500 So it was pretty overwhelming at the beginning. 79 00:03:51,972 --> 00:03:53,670 (Stephen) Walk us through what happened. 80 00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:57,836 (Krystal) So I got the call, they brought me in, they said, 81 00:03:58,245 --> 00:03:59,899 "Here's the member's name," 82 00:03:59,899 --> 00:04:01,662 and it sounded mildly familiar, 83 00:04:01,662 --> 00:04:04,000 but he was part of my unit so that made sense. 84 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,538 "Here's the spouse's name." 85 00:04:08,851 --> 00:04:11,734 The other DA had just gone to pick up the spouse in Victoria 86 00:04:11,734 --> 00:04:13,236 and spent the night with her. 87 00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:17,107 So she was going to get in touch with me a little bit later in the morning 88 00:04:17,107 --> 00:04:18,713 because she had been up all night. 89 00:04:19,438 --> 00:04:21,536 And so, I got back to the office 90 00:04:21,536 --> 00:04:24,209 and I said, "Okay, here's my DA checklist." 91 00:04:24,209 --> 00:04:26,851 I had all my resources because I just finished the training, 92 00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:27,900 so I was fresh. 93 00:04:28,230 --> 00:04:29,564 "Here's the checklist. 94 00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:33,500 I'm going to reach out to these people and start initiating these processes," 95 00:04:34,436 --> 00:04:36,143 which got a little bit confusing, 96 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,597 because, actually, the other DA had already done that. 97 00:04:38,597 --> 00:04:41,719 So I should have pumped the brakes a little bit 98 00:04:41,719 --> 00:04:43,886 and just waited until she and I had a chance to talk, 99 00:04:43,886 --> 00:04:46,173 but I was too ready. 100 00:04:46,998 --> 00:04:48,574 And then, the ball dropped 101 00:04:48,574 --> 00:04:51,875 that I had actually met these people and hung out with them socially, 102 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,472 and then I realized, "Oh!" 103 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,591 And also, they were social friends 104 00:04:57,591 --> 00:05:00,643 with the person that I was with at the time, my partner. 105 00:05:00,643 --> 00:05:04,174 So things got a little bit more intense at that moment 106 00:05:04,726 --> 00:05:06,976 because there was that conflict within me, 107 00:05:06,976 --> 00:05:10,789 "Do I reach out to my partner and say, 'Hey, this just happened' 108 00:05:10,789 --> 00:05:16,423 or, is that a violation of the spouse's privacy? 109 00:05:16,423 --> 00:05:19,601 Because I only know this because I'm in this privileged position." 110 00:05:19,601 --> 00:05:22,260 So I had to navigate that a little bit but, 111 00:05:22,787 --> 00:05:27,066 it threw a bit of a curveball and to my own emotional response 112 00:05:28,489 --> 00:05:30,413 and how I went through this. 113 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,926 But, you know, we got there 114 00:05:31,926 --> 00:05:34,763 and everything happened the way it should have, thankfully. 115 00:05:35,325 --> 00:05:38,262 But it was a busy morning that morning. 116 00:05:38,262 --> 00:05:42,798 And as soon as the DA contacted me after she had got some rest, 117 00:05:43,538 --> 00:05:44,696 we hit the ground running 118 00:05:44,696 --> 00:05:48,691 and just started a flurry of administration 119 00:05:48,691 --> 00:05:50,961 and going to the spouse and meeting her 120 00:05:50,961 --> 00:05:52,750 and... well, re-meeting her, I suppose, 121 00:05:53,096 --> 00:05:56,696 and figuring out what they needed in the moment, 122 00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,602 and then what background admin we needed to do 123 00:06:00,012 --> 00:06:01,710 to make sure everything ran smoothly, 124 00:06:02,546 --> 00:06:05,863 (Stephen) As a DA, how long was the process 125 00:06:05,863 --> 00:06:08,525 from the moment you walked up those stairs 126 00:06:08,525 --> 00:06:11,737 until the moment you said, "Call me anytime you need me?" 127 00:06:12,924 --> 00:06:16,025 (Krystal) It's very variable. They tell us that. 128 00:06:16,025 --> 00:06:17,929 It might be two weeks, 129 00:06:17,929 --> 00:06:21,201 or it might be a couple of days, or it might be months, 130 00:06:21,201 --> 00:06:22,659 depending on the situation. 131 00:06:23,118 --> 00:06:27,066 So for us, it was a solid week of 132 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,400 16 to 18 hours a day, 133 00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:33,304 and that was right up until, 134 00:06:33,304 --> 00:06:35,737 basically, to have the funeral complete. 135 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,760 That was the majority of our real heavy lifting. 136 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,059 And then, there was another couple of weeks or so 137 00:06:43,059 --> 00:06:46,061 of getting those loose ends tied up, 138 00:06:46,061 --> 00:06:49,044 that administrative burden 139 00:06:49,044 --> 00:06:51,402 that you need to make sure everything is complete 140 00:06:51,402 --> 00:06:54,242 so that you can make sure six months from then 141 00:06:54,242 --> 00:06:55,722 they don't have more questions. 142 00:06:56,551 --> 00:06:59,130 And about at the three-week mark, we said "Okay... 143 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:03,399 The majority of the pressing things are done. 144 00:07:04,464 --> 00:07:08,761 So now, if things start to pop up that you need our assistance on, 145 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,061 just let us know. 146 00:07:10,061 --> 00:07:11,589 But otherwise, 147 00:07:11,589 --> 00:07:13,309 when we hang out, it can be socially, 148 00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:14,970 or we cannot hang out at all." 149 00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:17,121 You know, she was kind of in the driving seat 150 00:07:17,121 --> 00:07:18,784 of the relationship at that point. 151 00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:21,752 So it wasn't a long time that we supported, 152 00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:28,322 but it felt like it was four weeks of steady work, 153 00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:31,173 just because of how much was crammed into that, 154 00:07:31,173 --> 00:07:32,802 especially that very first week. 155 00:07:33,438 --> 00:07:34,681 (Stephen) On a personal level, 156 00:07:34,681 --> 00:07:37,132 what was the most difficult part of this case for you? 157 00:07:37,781 --> 00:07:42,056 (Krystal) Oh, there were a number of things that I had to process, 158 00:07:42,056 --> 00:07:46,672 because my brother had passed away quite unexpectedly as well. 159 00:07:47,272 --> 00:07:50,796 I think it was two years prior to that, 160 00:07:51,516 --> 00:07:56,462 so it was the parallels between the situations, 161 00:07:56,462 --> 00:07:59,199 even though it was very different in many respects, 162 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:01,253 it was her spouse and it was my brother, 163 00:08:01,663 --> 00:08:04,748 and the circumstances of their deaths were very different. 164 00:08:08,292 --> 00:08:11,129 Yeah, kind of going through another grieving process 165 00:08:11,129 --> 00:08:14,150 with a family that just lost somebody very important to them 166 00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:19,093 was difficult and it dredged up all of these things 167 00:08:19,093 --> 00:08:21,243 that I really hadn't processed. 168 00:08:21,243 --> 00:08:24,149 I just shoved them down and went back to work 169 00:08:25,299 --> 00:08:27,935 and tried to bury it quite extensively. 170 00:08:27,935 --> 00:08:30,727 So that part was difficult. 171 00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,065 And actually, because of that, 172 00:08:32,065 --> 00:08:35,717 I went into counseling not long after this to... 173 00:08:35,717 --> 00:08:37,941 because it just shone a light 174 00:08:37,941 --> 00:08:40,900 on how little I had actually processed the loss of my brother, 175 00:08:41,278 --> 00:08:42,392 especially watching-- 176 00:08:42,392 --> 00:08:47,263 I thought the way the spouse grieved was just so much healthier. 177 00:08:49,236 --> 00:08:50,791 When she was upset, she was upset. 178 00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:53,606 When she was-- she just let her feelings be felt 179 00:08:53,606 --> 00:08:56,889 and I was like, "Oh, what an interesting concept. 180 00:08:56,889 --> 00:08:59,715 I thought we just buried all of that and didn't talk about it." 181 00:09:00,376 --> 00:09:06,335 So that was probably the most difficult part on my side. 182 00:09:06,335 --> 00:09:08,798 And then, of course, it's always going to be hard 183 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:13,400 when you are swimming the oceans of grief with a family, 184 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:16,149 and so many different family members 185 00:09:16,149 --> 00:09:18,976 and dynamics between families you have to manage 186 00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:22,282 and everybody going through it in their own unique way. 187 00:09:23,782 --> 00:09:25,591 It was hard to be around 188 00:09:25,591 --> 00:09:28,591 and to maintain a little bit of emotional distance 189 00:09:28,591 --> 00:09:29,900 and not get lost in it. 190 00:09:31,063 --> 00:09:33,934 (Stephen) Obviously, you did this, became a DA to help. 191 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,571 You didn't do it for any other reason than to help. 192 00:09:37,907 --> 00:09:39,884 (Krystal) There's no raise that comes with this. 193 00:09:39,884 --> 00:09:40,958 (Stephen) No, exactly. 194 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:45,900 But there must be aspects of this that are also very rewarding. 195 00:09:46,871 --> 00:09:51,218 (Krystal) Oh, the entire experience was rewarding, to be perfectly honest. 196 00:09:53,545 --> 00:09:56,443 I can't imagine many situations 197 00:09:57,122 --> 00:10:00,563 more awful than suddenly losing a loved one, 198 00:10:00,563 --> 00:10:02,568 no matter what your relationship with them is. 199 00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:09,297 So to be able to take a little bit of the burden off of this family 200 00:10:09,297 --> 00:10:10,890 in whatever way we could, 201 00:10:10,890 --> 00:10:14,093 even if it's just dealing with the administrative details 202 00:10:14,506 --> 00:10:17,224 and navigating the military administration, 203 00:10:17,224 --> 00:10:21,321 which would be nightmarishly complicated for anybody who hasn't... 204 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,696 It's complicated for us. 205 00:10:22,696 --> 00:10:25,769 We have a trade that deals with this, that specializes. 206 00:10:25,769 --> 00:10:28,200 So even we need to be walked through this stuff, 207 00:10:28,603 --> 00:10:31,342 let alone a civilian family. 208 00:10:33,570 --> 00:10:35,376 Yeah, it was one of the most difficult things 209 00:10:35,376 --> 00:10:36,732 that I've had to do, 210 00:10:37,531 --> 00:10:40,896 mostly because of the emotional burden that comes with it, 211 00:10:40,896 --> 00:10:43,284 but it was certaintly one of the most rewarding things 212 00:10:43,284 --> 00:10:44,365 I've done in my career. 213 00:10:45,016 --> 00:10:46,500 (Stephen) What would make a good DA? 214 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:50,778 (Krystal) To be a good DA, I think you need to, 215 00:10:50,778 --> 00:10:55,029 one, be 100% engaged and committed. 216 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,920 You know, you can't... (laughs) 217 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,355 There's a pitfall sometimes the military falls into, 218 00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:03,983 where they do something so that it can be used as a basis 219 00:11:03,983 --> 00:11:06,900 to get more points to be promoted, essentially. 220 00:11:08,887 --> 00:11:13,279 This isn't the right task to build your yearly appraisal, 221 00:11:13,611 --> 00:11:18,517 because you need to be 100% in it when it to be effective. 222 00:11:18,995 --> 00:11:23,899 If you are doing this kind of as an aside and without commitment, then... 223 00:11:24,789 --> 00:11:27,378 We're talking about people who are very seriously injured, 224 00:11:27,378 --> 00:11:29,925 maybe supporting families who have passed away, 225 00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:31,927 you can't half-ass this 226 00:11:32,678 --> 00:11:34,807 because it will be a detriment to that family 227 00:11:34,807 --> 00:11:37,179 that's already going through so much. 228 00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:40,200 So I think you need to want to do this. 229 00:11:40,651 --> 00:11:45,832 You need to be aggressive enough to reach out and fight for resources 230 00:11:46,231 --> 00:11:48,566 if you're not getting action in a timely way. 231 00:11:48,865 --> 00:11:51,111 And you need to know yourself, 232 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,340 know what your own boundaries are, 233 00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,204 know what your own triggers are, 234 00:11:55,204 --> 00:11:57,754 so that if you start to get too deep 235 00:11:57,754 --> 00:12:01,700 and too lost into whatever emotional aspect is happening, 236 00:12:02,164 --> 00:12:03,750 you can recognize that 237 00:12:03,750 --> 00:12:08,044 and either find a way to move into a healthier area, 238 00:12:08,044 --> 00:12:12,437 or say, "I can't do this anymore, somebody else needs to take over for me." 239 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,146 (Stephen) What advice would you give anyone 240 00:12:15,146 --> 00:12:17,568 who wants to become a Designated Assistant? 241 00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:21,511 (Krystal) I have a couple of pieces of advice. 242 00:12:21,511 --> 00:12:25,648 One, is to really engage in some introspection 243 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:29,091 to make sure that, depending on the situation you're in, 244 00:12:29,091 --> 00:12:32,600 you know how you're going to react to it, or at least have an idea. 245 00:12:33,099 --> 00:12:34,975 So that, if you know you're going to struggle, 246 00:12:34,975 --> 00:12:37,749 you set up some counseling sessions to get that venting out 247 00:12:37,749 --> 00:12:39,378 or, you know, etc. 248 00:12:39,378 --> 00:12:42,528 Or if you know you just can't do this one because it's too close to home, 249 00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:43,767 you say no. 250 00:12:44,043 --> 00:12:46,586 The other is, if you have any doubts, 251 00:12:47,357 --> 00:12:49,492 speak to the DA who's actually done it. 252 00:12:49,796 --> 00:12:53,620 If you're wondering, "I'm not sure if I can actually handle that," 253 00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,524 talk to some people who have been through it 254 00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:59,492 and gauge your response by their experiences. 255 00:12:59,492 --> 00:13:02,114 Because going into it with doubts, 256 00:13:03,873 --> 00:13:06,900 I'm not sure that you would make the best DA. 257 00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:09,466 Well, I was overwhelmed in the first hour. 258 00:13:10,462 --> 00:13:12,284 It took about an hour for me to come to terms 259 00:13:12,284 --> 00:13:13,524 and then I jumped into it, 260 00:13:13,524 --> 00:13:14,532 for better or for worse, 261 00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:17,119 because I caused a little administrative hiccup that way. 262 00:13:17,119 --> 00:13:18,883 But yeah. 263 00:13:18,883 --> 00:13:22,387 So you really need to want to do this and you need to be prepared. 264 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,372 And the training does a great job of that. 265 00:13:25,566 --> 00:13:27,737 And you'll always have a choice. 266 00:13:27,737 --> 00:13:30,999 They'll always say, "Here's the situation. Can you?" 267 00:13:31,224 --> 00:13:34,757 Nobody should be ordered to be a DA if they have concerns. 268 00:13:34,757 --> 00:13:36,276 So know yourself, 269 00:13:36,276 --> 00:13:39,374 be prepared to be pressed emotionally, 270 00:13:40,094 --> 00:13:41,786 and know how to deal with that, 271 00:13:41,786 --> 00:13:43,560 because that's the most important part. 272 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,893 (Stephen) But for you, it's been a worthwhile journey so far. 273 00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,957 (Krystal) 100%. Yeah. 274 00:13:51,119 --> 00:13:53,288 I can't imagine anything I've done in my career 275 00:13:53,288 --> 00:13:56,115 that was worth more than this, to be honest. 276 00:13:56,666 --> 00:13:58,433 (Stephen) Captain Sloan, thank you for this. 277 00:13:58,903 --> 00:14:00,174 (Krystal) You're very welcome. 278 00:14:00,174 --> 00:14:03,113 (Stephen) Captain Krystal Sloan is a Designated Assistant 279 00:14:03,113 --> 00:14:05,000 based in Comox, BC. 280 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,934 If you're interested in becoming a DA, 281 00:14:06,934 --> 00:14:10,358 get in touch with the Director of Casualty Support Management. 282 00:14:10,730 --> 00:14:12,970 Both the phone number and the email address 283 00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:14,615 will be left on our website. 284 00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:16,800 Thank you very much for listening.