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(host) Hi, I'm Stephen Puddicombe.

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This is another episode 
in CFMWS's podcast series

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about Grief and Bereavement.

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In this episode, 
we speak with Captain Krystal Sloan.

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She's a Designated Assistant.

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DAs are assigned to a family

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when a service member dies or is very ill.

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They are the main point of contact
between the military and the family

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and is responsible for everything

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from advising the family 
on the availability of benefits,

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to services,

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to providing that shoulder to lean on.

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Captain Sloan says 
her motivation is simple.

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She just wants to help.

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(Krystal) I'm always on the lookout

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for ways that I can improve my knowledge

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of how to support members,

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especially in really trying circumstances.

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So when I read about 
the Designated Assistant course,

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I just found it perfect.

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Because either I would be called to action

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and I would be assisting 
somebody who is injured

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or a member's family 
who had passed away,

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or I would just have 
this incredible birth of knowledge

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of the support resources that we have

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for less severe 
but still important circumstances.

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Yeah, I jumped on the training
as soon as I could.

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(Stephen) How does it work? 
Like, what do they teach you?

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I mean, you're dealing with a subject

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that's almost taboo 
in many people's minds.

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What did they teach you?

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(Krystal) It was a really interesting mix 
of the practical knowledge.

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So here's where the MFRC 
can come in and help a family.

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Here's where the Transition Center 
comes in to help families.

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This is when you need to engage 
the Wing Orderly Room for Administration.

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And then, the kind of more...

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almost more important emotional aspect

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where you're going to be going 
through something incredibly difficult,

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either with a member 
or with the member's family.

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So you need to be prepared for that

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and this is how you need 
to take care of yourself

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and be completely honest with yourself
as to your own capabilities.

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It was this combination 
of these very hardened facts.

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"Hey, this is how it is.

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When a member dies, they're entitled....

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Their family is entitled to XYZ."

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And also, "By the way,

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you're going to be walking 
through a valley of grief with people

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and that comes with its own pitfalls,

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and this is how you should take care
of yourself with that."

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So it was a really interesting course.

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(Stephen) Krystal, you do your course,

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roughly two months later,
you get that first call.

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- (Krystal) Yeah. 
- (Stephen) What goes through your head?

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(Krystal laughing) "Oh!"

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"Oh, my God.

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I hope I paid attention 
because this is real."

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It would have been real
in any circumstance,

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but this was a call where a member
had very unexpectedly passed away.

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And so, we were now 
going to be supporting his spouse

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and his family,

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as they kind of traversed

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the extensive administration

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that comes with releasing a member 
in this way.

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So it was terrifying.

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Mildly comforting that 
I had another DA there with me.

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We were going to be helping each other...

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And she had just done this for somebody
who was very seriously injured,

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so she had some experience,

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so that was a bit of a comfort.

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But it was certainly overwhelming
at the time.

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And when they said, "Here's the situation,

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are you've prepared to embark on this?"

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There was no thought,

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it was an immediate
"Yes, of course, I am."

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And then, afterwards, 
it was like, "Oh gosh!

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Okay, this is all hitting me now, 
where do I even start?"

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So it was pretty overwhelming
at the beginning.

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(Stephen) Walk us through
what happened.

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(Krystal) So I got the call, 
they brought me in, they said,

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"Here's the member's name,"

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and it sounded mildly familiar,

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but he was part of my unit
so that made sense.

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"Here's the spouse's name."

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The other DA had just gone 
to pick up the spouse in Victoria

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and spent the night with her.

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So she was going to get in touch with me
a little bit later in the morning

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because she had been up all night.

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And so, I got back to the office

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and I said, "Okay, 
here's my DA checklist."

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I had all my resources 
because I just finished the training,

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so I was fresh.

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"Here's the checklist.

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I'm going to reach out to these people
and start initiating these processes,"

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which got a little bit confusing,

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because, actually, the other DA
had already done that.

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So I should have pumped the brakes
a little bit

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and just waited until 
she and I had a chance to talk,

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but I was too ready.

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And then, the ball dropped

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that I had actually met these people 
and hung out with them socially,

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and then I realized, "Oh!"

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And also, they were social friends

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with the person that I was with
at the time, my partner.

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So things got a little bit more intense
at that moment

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because there was that conflict within me,

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"Do I reach out to my partner and say, 
'Hey, this just happened'

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or, is that a violation 
of the spouse's privacy?

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Because I only know this 
because I'm in this privileged position."

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So I had to navigate that
a little bit but,

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it threw a bit of a curveball 
and to my own emotional response

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and how I went through this.

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But, you know, we got there

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and everything happened 
the way it should have, thankfully.

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But it was a busy morning that morning.

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And as soon as the DA contacted me 
after she had got some rest,

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we hit the ground running

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and just started 
a flurry of administration

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and going to the spouse and meeting her

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and... well, re-meeting her, I suppose,

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and figuring out 
what they needed in the moment,

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and then what background admin
we needed to do

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to make sure everything ran smoothly,

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(Stephen) As a DA, 
how long was the process

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from the moment you walked up those stairs

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until the moment you said,
"Call me anytime you need me?"

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(Krystal) It's very variable. 
They tell us that.

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It might be two weeks,

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or it might be a couple of days, 
or it might be months,

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depending on the situation.

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So for us, it was a solid week of

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16 to 18 hours a day,

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and that was right up until,

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basically, to have the funeral complete.

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That was the majority 
of our real heavy lifting.

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And then, there was 
another couple of weeks or so

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of getting those loose ends tied up,

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that administrative burden

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that you need to make sure 
everything is complete

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so that you can make sure 
six months from then

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they don't have more questions.

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And about at the three-week mark,
we said "Okay...

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The majority of the pressing things
are done.

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So now, if things start to pop up 
that you need our assistance on,

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just let us know.

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But otherwise,

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when we hang out, it can be socially,

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or we cannot hang out at all."

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You know, she was 
kind of in the driving seat

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of the relationship at that point.

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So it wasn't a long time 
that we supported,

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but it felt like it was 
four weeks of steady work,

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just because of how much 
was crammed into that,

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especially that very first week.

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(Stephen) On a personal level,

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what was the most difficult part
of this case for you?

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(Krystal) Oh, there were a number
of things that I had to process,

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because my brother had passed away
quite unexpectedly as well.

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I think it was two years prior to that,

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so it was the parallels 
between the situations,

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even though it was very different
in many respects,

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it was her spouse and it was my brother,

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and the circumstances 
of their deaths were very different.

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Yeah, kind of going through 
another grieving process

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with a family that just lost 
somebody very important to them

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was difficult and it dredged up
all of these things

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that I really hadn't processed.

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I just shoved them down 
and went back to work

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and tried to bury it quite extensively.

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So that part was difficult.

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And actually, because of that,

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I went into counseling 
not long after this to...

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because it just shone a light

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on how little I had actually processed
the loss of my brother,

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especially watching--

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I thought the way the spouse grieved 
was just so much healthier.

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When she was upset, she was upset.

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When she was-- 
she just let her feelings be felt

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and I was like, 
"Oh, what an interesting concept.

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I thought we just buried all of that
and didn't talk about it."

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So that was probably 
the most difficult part on my side.

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And then, of course, 
it's always going to be hard

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when you are swimming 
the oceans of grief with a family,

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and so many different family members

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and dynamics between families
you have to manage

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and everybody going through it
in their own unique way.

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It was hard to be around

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and to maintain a little bit 
of emotional distance

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and not get lost in it.

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(Stephen) Obviously, you did this,
became a DA to help.

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You didn't do it for any
other reason than to help.

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(Krystal) There's no raise 
that comes with this.

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(Stephen) No, exactly.

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But there must be aspects of this
that are also very rewarding.

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(Krystal) Oh, the entire experience 
was rewarding, to be perfectly honest.

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I can't imagine many situations

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more awful than suddenly
losing a loved one,

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no matter what your relationship
with them is.

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So to be able to take a little bit 
of the burden off of this family

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in whatever way we could,

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even if it's just dealing 
with the administrative details

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and navigating 
the military administration,

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which would be nightmarishly complicated
for anybody who hasn't...

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It's complicated for us.

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We have a trade that deals with this,
that specializes.

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So even we need to be walked
through this stuff,

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let alone a civilian family.

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Yeah, it was 
one of the most difficult things

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that I've had to do,

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mostly because of the emotional burden
that comes with it,

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but it was certaintly 
one of the most rewarding things

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I've done in my career.

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(Stephen) What would make a good DA?

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(Krystal) To be a good DA, 
I think you need to,

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one, be 100% engaged and committed.

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You know, you can't... (laughs)

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There's a pitfall 
sometimes the military falls into,

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where they do something 
so that it can be used as a basis

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to get more points 
to be promoted, essentially.

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This isn't the right task 
to build your yearly appraisal,

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because you need to be 100% in it
when it to be effective.

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If you are doing this kind of as an aside
and without commitment, then...

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We're talking about people
who are very seriously injured,

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maybe supporting families 
who have passed away,

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you can't half-ass this

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because it will be a detriment
to that family

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that's already going through so much.

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So I think you need to want to do this.

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You need to be aggressive enough 
to reach out and fight for resources

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if you're not getting action
in a timely way.

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And you need to know yourself,

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know what your own boundaries are,

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know what your own triggers are,

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so that if you start to get too deep

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and too lost into whatever 
emotional aspect is happening,

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you can recognize that

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and either find a way 
to move into a healthier area,

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or say, "I can't do this anymore,
somebody else needs to take over for me."

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(Stephen) What advice 
would you give anyone

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who wants to become 
a Designated Assistant?

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(Krystal) I have a couple
of pieces of advice.

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One, is to really engage 
in some introspection

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to make sure that, 
depending on the situation you're in,

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you know how you're going to react to it,
or at least have an idea.

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So that, if you know 
you're going to struggle,

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you set up some counseling sessions
to get that venting out

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or, you know, etc.

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Or if you know you just can't do this one
because it's too close to home,

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you say no.

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The other is, if you have any doubts,

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speak to the DA who's actually done it.

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If you're wondering, "I'm not sure 
if I can actually handle that,"

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talk to some people 
who have been through it

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and gauge your response 
by their experiences.

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Because going into it with doubts,

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I'm not sure 
that you would make the best DA.

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Well, I was overwhelmed in the first hour.

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It took about an hour 
for me to come to terms

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and then I jumped into it,

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for better or for worse,

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because I caused
a little administrative hiccup that way.

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But yeah.

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So you really need to want to do this
and you need to be prepared.

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And the training does a great job of that.

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And you'll always have a choice.

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They'll always say, 
"Here's the situation. Can you?"

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Nobody should be ordered to be a DA
if they have concerns.

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So know yourself,

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be prepared to be pressed emotionally,

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and know how to deal with that,

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because that's the most important part.

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(Stephen) But for you, 
it's been a worthwhile journey so far.

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(Krystal) 100%. Yeah.

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I can't imagine anything 
I've done in my career

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that was worth more than this,
to be honest.

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(Stephen) Captain Sloan, 
thank you for this.

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(Krystal) You're very welcome.

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(Stephen) Captain Krystal Sloan 
is a Designated Assistant

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based in Comox, BC.

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If you're interested in becoming a DA,

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get in touch with the Director 
of Casualty Support Management.

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Both the phone number 
and the email address

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will be left on our website.

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Thank you very much for listening.